G.I. Jen

If she can do it, I can too! I am thinking this weekend is the best time to shave my head. My hair is falling out so quickly -- it's disgusting. I have some scarves so I'm ready. At least I think I am ready!

I'm no Natalie Portman or Demi Moore but... these ladies don't look so bad.


As long as I don't lose my eyebrows and eyelashes, I think I will be okay. Maybe I should go to a barber shop and do something decorative. What do you think?

Losing my hair and letting my body down

My hair started falling out today - 13 days after my first round of chemo. My oncologist said by day 14 I would have a new hair style. She wasn't kidding.

Even though I have known this was going to happen, it was still very unnerving. I was in the shower getting ready for work and when I started to shampoo my hair, I had hairs covering both hands. And then when I towel dried my hair, it was all over the towel.

I felt like a dog who sheds really badly. YUK! If it continues to really shed, I will get it buzzed. But a part of me is still hoping beyond hope that it will just get thin. Yes, I am in DENIAL!

I think this is the most down I have felt since my surgery when the doctor told me they found a tumor in my sentinel lymph node.

The other part of this whole cancer experience that I am struggling with is feeling like a failure.

I forgot where I read it, but I remembering reading that many people who receive a cancer diagnosis often feel their bodies have betrayed them. Despite their good overall health, a daily exercise regimen and sound eating habits, their bodies developed cancer anyway. And these people generally feel angry or wonder "Why me?"

I feel just the opposite. I feel like I am the one who has failed my body. Perhaps I have not taken good enough care of myself and that is why I have cancer. I stopped exercising regularly years ago. I drink more alcohol now than I ever have. I've put on weight. I stopped going to yoga class. Cancer tends to run in my family. I have never asked "Why me?" I have concluded "Why not me?"

Obviously there is a bit of guilt involved with the way I feel right now. Perhaps that is my Catholic upbringing kicking in. It's the old "scorekeeping" mentality I know so well. Not good.

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that cancer is cancer and it is an equal opportunity disease. We all know there are things you can do to help decrease your chances of getting cancer. But there are lots of really healthy people who get cancer and die from it, including a high school classmate of mine who just passed away from pancreatic cancer at the age of 47. He left behind a wife and three kids. He was the picture of health.

Carrying around this guilt really isn't helping anything, so I have decided to look at this experience in a new light.

Maybe this "new" me -- this soon-to-be-bald person -- is someone who is very health-conscious and strong and takes really good care of herself. Maybe this new me is absolutely kickass and is much much stronger and healthier than the old me.

Where's my golden lasso?

Do I really have breast cancer?

Some days, most days, it is hard for me to believe I have breast cancer. Maybe I am in denial.

I remember how I felt when I received my diagnosis. I know that I had a lumpectomy and wore a lovely drain for a few days. I have a small scar on my right breast that looks like a cat scratched me. That's it. Oh, and another small scar under my right arm where my lymph nodes were removed. I have had one round of chemo but no bad side effects.

I actually feel really good right now and I guess that is why it's hard for me to believe I have cancer.

I am not asking to feel bad. Believe me, I don't want to feel bad! But I went for a long bike ride this morning with my husband and was just so thankful that I feel this good.

I am sure I will have days where I will feel lousy. And I will blog about them when they happen. But for right now, I feel fine and am just waiting for my hair to fall out. The big hair loss is supposed to happen next week (2 weeks after Round 1 of chemo). We shall see. Maybe that will make it all a lot more real for me.

Until then, I am just enjoying the hell out of life especially now that the worst of the summer heat is gone and we're getting ready to head into Fall (my favorite season)!

Feeling Fantastic

That's right. I feel fantastic. Is that bad to admit? I am almost ashamed to say it. If chemo was Day 1, this is how my week went:

Wednesday Day 1: Chemo infusion from 9 AM - 2:30 PM. Went home and napped the rest of the afternoon. Felt fine.

Thursday Day 2: Went to work, felt like the Energizer Bunny (thanks to decadron). Got my Neulasta injection in the afternoon.

Friday Day 3: Went to work but felt like I needed a nap in the afternoon (no more decadron).

Saturday Day 4: Was exhausted pretty much all day. Stayed in bed, dosed, napped, took it easy. This was also the day the tropical storm hit our area so we had no power. Napping was the best option!

Sunday Day 5: Not quite as tired. I would do a few things here and there, then lay down and rest. Still no power so napping was still the best option.

Monday Day 6: Went to work. Tired by the time I got home but not exhausted. Got our power back on. yay! Started to feel some bone pain. Took Advil and it went away.

Tuesday Day 7: Attending an offsite training session all day. Felt fine but was tired when I got home. Not exhausted. Felt some pretty bad bone pain during the night. Have added Aleve to my daily pill regimen.

Wednesday Day 8: Feel great! Tired in the evenings but no more bone pain. The Aleve is doing its job.

Part of the reason I think I am feeling so good is that I am getting a great night's sleep every night. My oncologist gave me a script for lorazepam (Atavin) which I take every night before bed. And it works. I sleep through the night without any strange dreams and I wake up feeling completely rested and refreshed the next morning. No grogginess. Love it!

So I went from a person who never took any pills to someone with a pill box. Here is my daily regimen so far:

- Effexor 37.5 mg (low dose) for night sweats and hot flashes
- Prilosec for heartburn due to chemo eroding my stomach and esophagus
- Aleve for bone pain (morning and night)
- Lorazepam to help me sleep (night)

This lovely cocktail seems to be working for me. I also have two separate nausea meds just in case. I only took one compazine a couple of days after my chemo just in case. I wasn't exactly feeling nauseous but we had a lot of smoke in the air due to wildfires nearby and it was causing me to feel a little strange. But other than that, I haven't had any nausea at all. Knock wood.

I still have two more week to go before my next chemo on September 14. I am really looking forward to a long weekend and just relaxing with my husband and pupper.

Oh... I did order some scarves online through the American Cancer Society. I ordered them here:

http://www.tlcdirect.org/

I should get them today or tomorrow. My hair hasn't started to fall out but I ordered them knowing that my hair will probably start falling out sometime next week.

All in all, I am extremely lucky to feel this good and hope the rest of my treatments go this smoothly.

So How is YOUR week going?

My week started with a 5.9 magnitude earthquake centered about 40 miles from where I live outside of Richmond, Virginia. Talk about scary! I thought our building had exploded. We all ran outside and realized it had been an earthquake. Unbelieveable.

Luckily, there was no damage to our house or any local infrastructure. We continued to feel aftershocks throughout the next day or so but nothing major. I don't know how people in California deal with earthquakes. It's extremely unnerving to think the building you are in could come down all around you at any time.

After surviving the earthquake, it was time for my first round of chemo. I went in at 8:30 AM to receive two drugs: Taxotere and Cytoxan. Long story short - the infusion went well and so far, I am feeling great. Of course I realize that I will probably not feel this good for very much longer. I took my last dose of decadron last night. This is the steroid that helps alleviate any nausea and also gives you a ton of energy. I was kind of like the Energizer Bunny for the last three days. But I am starting to feel a little tired this afternoon.

I went in and had my Neulasta injection yesterday afternoon. Again, no side effects or bone pain. I'm feeling pretty good.

Now we have Hurricane Irene heading directly toward the mid-Atlantic coast. I am just hoping it avoids the Richmond area so we don't have any structural or tree damage. I am sure we'll lose power for awhile but my husband has all the supplies ready at home. He's the BEST!

All for now...

Girls' Weekend in Winter Park, Florida

I have a lot of catching up to do... first things first.

I flew down to Winter Park, Florida to meet up with my two BFFs Ronni and Carolyn. I wanted a nice weekend away before starting chemo and losing my hair. Carolyn just bought a gorgeous condo in downtown Winter Park within walking distance to all the nice shopping and restaurants.
Here is a quick run down of the weekend activities:

• We took the Winter Park boat tour and saw all the lovely mansions on the lakes.


• We walked to the Morse Museum of American Art and saw the astounding Tiffany Exhibit - the largest collection of Tiffany artwork in the United States.


• We laughed, drank wine, watched "Up in the Air" with George Clooney.


• We went out to see a great rock-n-roll band called My Generation.

No weekend would be complete without someone earning a nickname. This weekend, it was my turn: The Queen. For some reason, Ronni and Carolyn thought I was getting a little bossy on Friday night after a few glasses of wine. Not sure whatever gave them that impression! (haha!)

Carolyn offered to make pizza when we got home from the wine bar on Friday night. I opted to stretch out in her lounge chair (dubbed The Queen's Throne) and just barked orders: "More pizza! Make another one!"

As Carolyn said: "The Queen wants more pizza! Chop! Chop!" She scurried off into the kitchen where much button-pushing and microwaving was heard.

Poor Ronni... I was chowing down on pizza and didn't even share with her until the last corner piece. She was practically begging like a hungry dog. I thought she had her own pizza - I was WRONG! But we all laughed about it the next day and they continued to call me the Queen throughout the weekend.

It was the best girls' weekend and exactly what I need before starting chemo.
Love you, ladies!

New Haircut

Excuse the lousy close up shot taken from my iPhone in the ladies' room the other week. But I wanted to share a quick picture of my new short haircut. It's not extreme and I actually really like it.

I figured it will be easier to maintain as I wait for my hair to completely fall out. Next hairdo picture will be a buzz cut!